The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge (REVIEW)

A Critic's Meta Review: 4/5

Step aside, Andre Benjamin. Move over, Jim Croce. Get on out of town, Shel Silverstein.

This is how you tell a story in rhyme and meter.

Everything else is merely child’s play in comparison. However, it would be unfair to everyone else to simply crown Samuel Taylor Coleridge the king of rhyming stories (even though he sort of was) and tell everybody else to scram (which is kind of what I just did, but whatever).

Therefore, in the spirit of carrying on the tradition set forth by our pal Sammy T.C., I shall attempt to continue the rest of this review in a rhyming, rhythmic form.

So, without further ado, I present to you:

The Rime Of The Aging Reviewer

PART I

‘Twas a crisp August morn

When I awoke with scorn

As I’d just had a dream

That I was eating some corn

But, alas, I had to break

With this fictional fate

For this was the date

Of my grandfather’s wake

So I put on some pants

To the kitchen, I danced

Cut a slice from the loaf

Held the knife like an oaf

Put the bread in the toaster

The tea on a coaster

Then, I opened up my phone

Because I felt so alone

As my thoughts grew divided

‘Twas then I decided

That a classic I would choose

To sift through and peruse

I picked the one I’d go with

Recalling Hunter Thompson

And his enigmatic fondness

For the works of Sam Coleridge

And so, holding back tears

As I thought of the years

When my grandpa was here

And his tales filled my ears

I knew he wouldn’t want

His passing to stunt

The growth of my mind

So I went on to hunt

For the poem; ‘twasn’t long

‘Til my screen, it was on

So I sat back and scrolled

Through those words of old

With the ticking of the clock

My family began to flock

And soon all were telling me

To stick my phone up on the dock

But I was far from done

I had only just begun

This great tale of seven parts

I was only on part one

PART II

That last line just reminded me

To split this poem up

Like Coleridge did

Ah, forget it

Who am I kidding?

I ain’t cut out for this stuff, man.