Double-Double
Double-Double: Facts About Coffee That Will Keep You Up At Night
In the chaotic carnival of life, coffee stands proudly at the center ring, juggling the absurdities of our daily existence while simultaneously keeping our eyelids from staging a protest. I, a humble coffee connoisseur, consume eight espressos a day like they’re candy shots at a festival. I recently invested in an espresso machine that’s so high-tech it might as well come with a user manual thicker than a Tolstoy novel.
Fact: Coffee is a fruit: Coffee beans are the pit of a berry that grows on a bush.
I will rule the real estate and become my own barista. (the word "barista" comes from the Italian word barista, which means "bartender". The term was first used in English in 1982. But I mean "prostitute" in Latin sounds cooler, too = meretrix (that's obviously where "tricks" came from.)) (who really uses brackets (parentheses) enough?)
Listen, before I had my coffee, I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today, either. - Anonymous
When the time strikes, I whip up some “No Name” coffee crystals, powdered cream, and four sugar cubes. It’s like a gourmet meal if gourmet meals were served at a 7-11. The ability to appreciate both the finest artisanal brews and the kind of coffee that could be used to get blood stains out is a superpower. I have lived in countries where the best coffee was precisely this combination and I don't want to lose my edge.
Fact: Beethoven loved coffee! He was apparently quite obsessive about it, using precisely 60 beans per cup and counting out every bean.
Who needs therapy when you can sip a double shot and question your life choices at a high rate of speed?
Coffee helps me maintain my 'never killed anyone streak.' - Anonymous
Ah, sleep, opposing coffee. That elusive creature that has been dodging me since a Tuesday in 1974, when I was five years old. I grew up in a home without a television, which meant instead of being glued to the screen, I was buried in dictionaries and encyclopedias. Yes, while my friends were off watching cartoons, I was mastering words
"floccinaucinihilipilification." This is what happens when you deny a child screen time; they grow up to be a walking Scrabble dictionary. Few people appreciate me. Even fewer people like me.
It’s strange how drinking cups of water seems impossible but 8 cups of coffee go down like a chubby kid on a see-saw. – Anonymous
Fact: Finland drinks the most coffee! On average they drink 12kg per person, per year which works out to an impressive 1,680 cups on average each a year.
Then came the day we finally got a TV, just in time to witness the Canucks being mercilessly trounced in the 1986 Stanley Cup finals. My brother and I were allotted a pathetic thirty minutes of viewing time per day across two fuzzy channels. At the time, I thought it was child abuse, but now I realize my parents were just trying to instill in us the value of suffering.
Fact: Coffee is an important crop in developing countries: Developing countries produce 90% of the world's coffee. Coffee pickers can struggle to make a living wage: They are often paid by production and can struggle to make a living wage.
I’ve never owned a TV. Sure, I enjoy the occasional Netflix binge at friends’ houses, but really, it’s just an excuse to pretend I’m socializing. I don't really enjoy TV but I've been sucked neck-deep into some lengthy shows and that fact alone mystifies me, so I grab a book to calm my visual cortex.
I taught English in China and during our three-hour lunch break, the students who weren't sleeping would watch "Prison Break". I tried to tell them it was garbage TV only to find a friend handing me a USB stick with all of the Prison Break episodes. I dared myself to watch the pilot. And with that, I was whisked down a screenwriter's rabbit hole and I watched the entire show. Obviously, the key take-away from today's TV shows is to end with an impossible cliffhanger that doesn't really ever need to be addressed in the following episode.
A bad day with coffee is better than a good day without it. – Anonymous
As with coffee, there's always time for another good quote.
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self. ― Terry Pratchett
Or a fact.
Fact: Coffee was once banned: In the 18th century, governments tried to ban coffee because it was thought to stimulate radical thinking.
Coffee is the ultimate writing companion. Forget expensive notebooks and fancy pens — a good cup of joe is the real MVP. I can brew a cup of my concoction I call "Sh*t" in under a minute, though some mornings, that feels like an hour. “Hurry up, coffee! I have existential dread to tackle!”
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. – Abraham Lincoln
Here’s a secret I’ve never told anyone: during my time abroad, I became so accustomed to using a microwave that I set it to 99:99 and let it run when I needed it. It became my own version of a countdown clock, and I think it only ran out two or three times. That’s a staggering 101 hours and 39 minutes of pure laziness.
May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short. - Anonymous
Now, coffee outside the home? That’s like playing Russian Roulette! Most gas stations serve coffee that tastes like the gun has jammed. I remember sitting at Starbucks one day, looking at the wallpaper and thinking, “Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.” Spoiler alert: I chose to leave. I’m convinced Oscar Wilde wouldn’t have enjoyed a caramel macchiato either.
Coffee owns me, and I’m fine with that. - Anonymous
As I sip my coffee, I remember the plight of Yemen as heard on the way to the coffee shop, a country that deserves our attention. I dare humanity to Google it so much that "Yemen" is trending.
By facilitating a peace agreement and leading the reinvestment and reconstruction in Yemen, Saudi Arabia can turn around a failed state and bolster its standing as a global and regional leader. - Jamal Khashoggi
A coffee lover’s experience is often a hit-or-miss affair. But if you’re looking for a guaranteed win, Tim Horton’s Double-Double is the way to go. It’s like the coffee version of a warm hug — comforting and reliable, no statistics required. Hands-down, the world over, I have never had any coffee that routinely was better than a Double-Double. Double cream and double sugar in a riveting staple of the coffee-drinkers culinary palate.
Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee…it’s called sleeping. – Anonymous
Fact: Coffee wasn't always for drinking: Before coffee was discovered to be a delicious beverage, it was actually a food.
I’ve always been an observer, and I’ve noticed things that most people miss, because I value the time allotted to enjoy both a coffee and a cigarette. And I'm always thinking alone. I predicted the 2008 economic downturn and the arrival of murder hornets. I even foresaw that one day, China would build islands and then pave a road to Taiwan. You could say I’m basically a coffee-fueled oracle.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. - Steven Wright
But back to coffee: In Europe, coffee is like a rare jewel, brought out only when someone truly desires it, like a Yule Log. Meanwhile, chai has turned into a trendy word for “tea” in many languages, though in English, it’s just an overpriced tea bag.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s caffeine. – Anonymous
And with that, I wrap up my double-espresso exercise, marveling at how I’ve managed to ramble about coffee and some non sequiturs for a marathon 666 words.
OF RUSSIA: A Year Inside
Brent (Brant is the Russian version) Antonson has seen a Russia few foreigners have. Indeed, few Russians. This young Canadian ventured to Voronezh, eleven hours south of Moscow by train, to spend a year inside a country torn by strife, fresh into a new century, and struggling with the clash between history and future. Tasked with teaching English to students at one university, and then a second, his story is riddled with romance and deception, and punctuated with near disaster and disappointment. Antonson's candour and insights set Russia on the edge of failure and achievement – much like the students he educated, filled with a dash of hope and a lump of fear. His wit did as much to get him in trouble as it did to keep him out of it.